I belong to a generation that experienced smacking as acceptable and normal, sometimes even helpful. Still, it was limited to the family environment, more or less to the immediate family. In my school years, it was forbidden and entirely unacceptable for a child to be hit, for example, by a teacher. Although rumors circulated about the brutality of this or that teacher, I only once witnessed an incident where a teacher slapped a child. Even then, many of us thought he was, to some extent, right because the brat did not stop provoking, despite repeated warnings. And the boy certainly did not tell his parents what happened, because, in those days, he would have been beaten by his father, too. Those were the times.
The video story (if you prefer to read the story, please continue below the video):
Many of my generation still nostalgically recall the good old days when children knew their place and how to obey. If beating in school was forbidden half a century ago, physical punishment by parents was still quite common. We used to talk among friends about how strict our parents were. The most common phrase was: “My father only hit me a few times, but I always knew why.” At the time, it made sense to us; the majority had no difficulty sympathizing with such a statement, which of course, does not really justify the spankings. I mean, my father could have also taught me a lesson peacefully without using physical punishment.
So I belong to a generation that, for the most part, did not have a strong negative opinion of smacking. Even many professionals did not have a firm negative view, often describing smacking as a lesser evil, as a correction of mistakes in upbringing. Of course, spanking is a sign that we have missed something in our upbringing, but it is not too bad to spank a child now and then. To paraphrase Clausewitz’s theory of war, we could say that smacking is a continuation of education by other means.
In my younger years, I did not have a firm opinion on the appropriateness of smacking, either, and I could understand the arguments from both sides. The opponents of physical punishment of any kind argue that spanking is inappropriate because it humiliates, embarrasses, and traumatizes the child; they claim that it is an act of misuse of power and that by hitting, we are punishing the child for our own failures in upbringing. I can, of course, agree with all of those arguments. On the other hand, the advocates of physical punishment argue that sometimes a nice word does not have any effect, that spanking helps to reinforce discipline, and that it does not cause too much harm to a child who feels loved. Although I don’t buy these arguments, they may indeed represent a lesser evil in some circumstances.
Later, as I faced a series of difficult questions about my values and my past and future life, I got a much more firm opinion and became an outspoken opponent of smacking. The argument is essentially experiential, for I have never seen a parent who has decided to hit a child or has hit the child after serious consideration. Because it would make sense. No, it is always the result of a loss of one’s temper and, therefore, a display of helplessness. When we run out of appropriate means for education, we resort to violence.
When it comes to physical punishment, I repeatedly recall the famous passage from Stephen Covey’s “The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People” about visualizing one’s own funeral. To visualize what I would like my child to say about our relationship in a speech at my funeral: “… I would want his life to represent the victory of teaching, training, and disciplining with love over a period of years rather than the battle scars of quick-fix skirmishes. I would want his heart and mind to be filled with the pleasant memories of deep, meaningful times together. I would want him to remember me as a loving father who shared the fun and the pain of growing up. I would want him to remember the times he came to me with his problems and concerns. I would want to have listened and loved and helped. I would want him to know I wasn’t perfect, but that I had tried with everything I had. And that, perhaps more than anybody in the world, I loved him.” (quoted from the book, words by Stephen Covey).
“The battle scars of quick-fix skirmishes“ – what a perfect description of any kind of punishment, let alone the physical one.
Stay tuned!